American Pie:
A Pathetic True Story

I don't understand why this happened, and I hope you don't either. Our story begins in November 1996. (Remember 1996? If you're like me, the B. B. King sample from that Primitive Radio Gods song is still echoing through your brain mercilessly...) While yet another presidential election captured the attention of many Americans, some of us (well, two of us), perhaps disenfranchised with the system, looked elsewhere for the truth. We found it, eventually, in a McDonald's hot apple pie.

The pie entered our lives (and the pages of history) at a McDonald's drive-through somewhere north of Philadelphia. This was an appropriate place to acquire the pie, since Philadelphia is a very historic city. It was home to legendary eighties pop band the Hooters! Oh, and also Ben Franklin. And I'm told the Liberty Bell is there, although I missed it during this visit, since I was more concerned with seeing Schoolhouse Rock Live. Anyway, Jenny and I stopped at this McDonalds, because I wanted coffee, and Jenny wanted pie. I drank the coffee, but the pie, after a couple of tentative bites, ended up in the back of the car, where it remained for the rest of the trip. (Perhaps the problem was that the average temperature of a McDonald's hot apple pie is 71,000 degrees.)

Back in Massachusetts, we realized the pie had traveled through five states, and appeared to be holding up quite well. Our pal 8-Trac was inexplicably fascinated by this, and saw no reason for the pie's journey to end. 8-Trac was about to leave for Maine, and decided that the pie should at least see more of New England. The torch was passed (so to speak - McDonald's pies are actually much hotter than the Olympic torch) and the pie rocked on.

At this point, 8-Trac was on a mission. Not only did he bring the pie on this and several other road trips, but whenever other friends were traveling, he insisted that the pie come along as well. Whenever I saw 8-Trac, he'd have an update for me. ("Guess what? The pie is in California!") The pie became a true source of inspiration for us all, in a world with too much tragedy and not enough disgusting fast food dessert products.

The hot apple pie covered a respectable portion of America. Its journey included appearances in (and this is probably not a complete list) California, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Maine, Massachusetts, Maryland, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Vermont, and Virginia.

But the pie's adventures were not limited to the United States. In the immortal words of Sir Isaac Newton, "Hot apple pie knows no boundaries." Therefore the pie went international, touring Europe extensively. On the loose in the Old World, the pie broadened its horizons in places like France, Ireland, the Netherlands, Belgium, Spain, Germany, England (where it was knighted), and the Czech Republic (where, briefly, it held political office).

Of course, all great traveling pie stories must come to an end. (Cue the Don McLean music.) The pie met its final fate in January 1998, albeit in lush tropical surroundings. It had spent the holidays in Hawaii, courtesy of 8-Trac's friend Giho. That is, until Giho's mother found it, and immediately threw it in the trash. (What was she thinking?) Scientists estimate that by the time of its death, the pie had cooled to a more reasonable 18,000 degrees. A modest memorial service was held in Franklin, Massachusetts, where 8-Trac and the pie first met. Although they had little in common (the pie, after all, was from Philly), a man and a pie shared a dream, and together they made it come true. Together, they made the world a little brighter, and a little stickier, and there are probably still a few stray crumbs strewn across two continents. Donations (in the name of "the pie") may be sent to the McDonald's Corporation, which will use them to crank out more scary McRib sandwiches. Follow your dreams, kids. The hot apple pie would have wanted it that way.

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